Nothing but sweetness, right?
How do you ensure your kid grows up to be a “nice” person?
It is not a rhetorical question – I hope you will give me
your best advice.
My children are very different. Sydney is loud,
outgoing, brash. Tyson is reserved, quiet, maybe even a little timid.
We met the Easter Bunny last weekend. Sydney ran to him and
hugged him like he was her best friend. Tyson clung to my legs.
A neighbor whom we don’t know walked her dog by our house
the other day. Sydney ran to the end of the driveway and started a conversation
with her like they were old friends.
Tyson clung to my legs.
Their personalities, so far, are completely different. They
are very stereotypical: Sydney is verbal and very smart with vocabulary. Tyson
is quiet but is much better than his sister at math, puzzles and similar
activities.
Their differences are evident in other ways, too, and that
is where I am concerned. Take Christmas for example. Sydney tore through her
presents like the Tasmanian Devil. As soon as she had the wrapping off one, she
was reaching for another.
Tyson still had unopened toys weeks later. If he opened
something he liked, he would play with it for the rest of the day, not worried
about what he could have, but content with what he had.
You see where I am going here?
I have said it many times before: If someone were to offer
Tyson a balloon, he would ask for one for his sister. He is THAT nice and
thoughtful.
On the other hand, if Sydney saw someone offer Tyson a
balloon, she would run up and steal it for herself.
She is THAT kind of kid.
This isn’t a learned behavior. Some of it might be from
being the first born and having all the attention for nearly two years, but I
think she was born like this.
Ask Tyson to help clean the room, he is on it. Ask Sydney to
help and you get three hours of bargaining and procrastinating and outright
defiance.
All I have to do to get Tyson to go to bed is set my phone
timer to go off, no matter what time it is. He knows that when the timer goes
off, he has to go to bed and he starts heading that way.
The timer is like the bell at a boxing match for Sydney.
Time to start the verbal sparring in order to squeeze in another hour or so of
play time. She comes out jabbing like Muhammad Ali.
Before you say, “You can’t let her get away with these things,”
understand that I know that and I don’t. But my point is, I want her to act the
right way without the threat, or distribution, of punishment.
Also, I have known kids who grew up in very strict
environments, where they were afraid to step out of line or challenge their
parents on anything. Sometimes that doesn’t work out so well, either. I’m not
trying to turn my child into a submissive robot or someone who rebels with
drugs or other felonious behavior to deal with overbearing parents.
She’ll get her fair share of groundings, or worse. But I
don’t believe I can punish someone into being a good person. She has to come
into that on her own.
More than once, my wife and I have looked at each other and
asked, “How do we make her understand how important this is?”
I had friends visiting this summer and they have two older
children who are respectful and very well behaved. I asked my buddy how he and
his wife did it, and his answer was vague. Really, they simply tried to steer
their children between right and wrong and hoped for the best. So far, it has
worked. Or they just got lucky. Or both.
I asked another friend the same thing a few weekends ago. He
and his wife have raised three daughters who are all on their own and doing
very well as adults. His answer was much the same.
But how much of it is luck? I know siblings who grew up in
the same environment. One is an empathetic soul who leads a successful life,
while the other is a pathological liar who scams everyone in their path.
Some of it has to be the luck of the draw, right?
I spend a great deal of time trying to keep my kids safe. Sydney is
so oblivious, she wouldn’t see a car coming until the Ford emblem was implanted
on her head. Tyson would play football on our flight of stairs if I let him.
They’d both put coins or balls or other choke-able items in their mouth if we
weren’t watching them 24/7.
Safety is always the number one concern. It won’t change as
they get older. I’ll worry about them experimenting with drugs or driving drunk
or hanging out with some knucklehead who thinks Interstate 71 is the
Indianapolis Motor Speedway.
A lot of energy is spent on keeping them safe. Then, you
worry about their intellect and how smart they might become. You spend hours
reading books to them, playing online learning games and ensuring they are
watching educational TV.
At some point, I am sapped of parental energy. Yet, there is
still a mountain to climb: turning your kid into a “nice” person. Someone who
respects others, cares about others and is not as self-absorbed as Kim
Kardashian.
But then again, Kim’s doing ok. Maybe the selfie-centric way
of life is the way of the future?
Screech!!!! Hold the phone. Pardon my interruption!
While I was writing this, my daughter just came up to me and
gave me a nickle she had found on the floor somewhere in the house. Instead of
keeping it, she gave it to me in “case you need to buy something for yourself.”
Not buy something for HER. Buy something for ME. What a
quantum leap forward! Perhaps not all is lost.
Maybe 4 years old is a little too early to consign the fate
of "incorrigible" to a child. Maybe I am worrying for no reason.
But just in case, feel free to send advice my way. I’ll be
the clueless dad in the corner.