Let's Make Some Money from our Walking Billboards

Did you ever notice how young kids become walking billboards for corny sayings?

Tyson must have 13 shirts that say things like “Daddy’s Little Rock Star” or “Santa’s Little Helper” or “Ass, Gas or Grass…no one rides for free.”

I see these kinds of shirts on kids all the time. You get a bunch of babies together for a play date and it is like going to a family reunion in West Virginia or Kentucky – everyone has a shirt with a stupid saying.

How did this start? Parents who would never wear shirts that say “Crack Kills” right above their butt cracks have no problem dressing little Jimmy in a shirt that says “FBI” in big letters and “Female Body Inspector”  in little letters or “Don’t Make me Violate My Parole.”

I stopped wearing such shirts in college, or shortly thereafter. I think I had one of those Salty Dog t-shirts from a Spring Break trip that said something stupid, or maybe it was a Dick’s Last Resort t-shirt that said “Chicks Love Dicks” in big letters followed by a microscopic “Last Resort.”

Now, when I see someone dressed in something like that, I’m looking around for the trailer park.

Am I wrong on this? Have I gone Park Avenue? Have I forgotten my roots?

Once, when I was a kid, and Olivia Newton John was doing her thing in sweatsuits and headbands, I wore a shirt that just said “ANIMAL.” I liked it because she sang a song that went, “Let’s Get Physical, Physical…I Want to Get Animal, Let’s Get Into Animal,” and I was a 14-year-old kid who wanted to get ANIMAL with anything of the female persuasion.

I remember adults looking at my shirt with puzzlement and asking me what it meant. I really didn’t have a good answer. Most likely, BECAUSE I WAS A 14-YEAR-OLD IDIOT.

Now, I am the adult. And it is my kid who is wearing shirts that say “I’m not as Think as you Drunk I am.”

Ok, maybe not that.

But then I got to thinking. What if we turned this trend into something positive? Babies are cute. People love to look at them. If you walk into a restaurant with a baby, you can bet nearly everyone will look at that little bundle of joy as you walk from the door to the table.

So, instead of wearing a shirt that says “Daddy’s Football Star,” what if we put him in a shirt that said “I Like Gerber” or ‘I Buy My Carrots and Peas at Kroger.” Would Gerber or Kroger be willing to rent space on my kid?

You see the possibilities, right? If your kid has great muscle tone, he could wear a Gold’s Gym shirt. If he is a little portly, a Skyline Chili shirt might be a little more appropriate. If she has crystal blue eyes, maybe a shirt that advertises colored contact lenses. If it is a great hair day, a shirt for the local beauty salon.

Suddenly, I am making money off my kid. I like that idea. How can I get this movement started?

In the meantime, I’ll try to find some shirts that match my family more closely. Sydney  can get a “Fart Now Loading” shirt with a Internet loading status bar below it. Tyson can have a “Shit Happens” shirt and Brooke can get the classic ‘I’m with Stupid” shirt.

Hell, maybe I even will get an “I Beat Anorexia” shirt.