I’m as popular with my kids as Ariana Grande at a
bicentennial celebration.
Why? Because I say the word “no” one million times a week.
“No” is programmed into a parent’s DNA. It might not be the
first word children say when they begin talking, but I have to believe it is
the first word they understand.
Baby begins to cry? “Shh. Shh. No, no little one.” Baby
grabs something that can kill them? “No!” Baby latches on to breast with the
suction strength of an industrial Hoover? “Nooo!” Baby experiences explosive
ass disorder? “Oh “Nnnoooo!!!!”
It doesn’t stop at “no.” I am a human “repeat” button. In
fact, I wish I had a string attached to my chest that I could pull every time I
needed to utter one of my frequent sayings:
“Why are you being so loud? Use your inside voice.”
“Stop hurting your brother!”
“That is NOT how we act.”
“Did you wipe?”
You say it over and over and hope it sinks in. Usually, it
does not.
Tyson has a new thing. He has this puzzle-like book, with
the puzzle pieces being farm animals.
He’ll pick up the piece and ask, in his broken-English,
barely-above-a-whisper baby gibberish, “Where does the cow go?” He wants you to
repeat it to him – “Where does the cow go?” Then he takes it to the book and
puts it in its place and shows you where it goes. Then he repeats the same
thing with the horse and the pig and so on, and so on.
So I have said “Where does the cow go?” “Where does the
horse go?” “Where does the rooster go?” “Where does the pig go?” a million
times each in the past couple of weeks.
Forget reading a book. Forget watching a movie. (Why the
hell do I pay for Direct TV?) I spend too much time pretending like I don’t
know the cow goes into the freaking cow slot on the puzzle!
It got me thinking about all the other things I say over and
over in the quest to keep my children on the straight and narrow – or simply
from killing themselves. I’m sure my “sayings” are creating more bad blood with
my kids than you might find at a Taylor Swift concert, but I am going to keep
doing it.
Because my goal is to keep them ALIVE. And out of jail.
In that order.
Here are some of my most popular hits:
Stop hurting your
brother!: My daughter thinks it is funny to squeeze her brother… really
hard. Or to press down on his head…really hard. Or to lay on him in a way that
will certainly suffocate him in about two and a half minutes. I don’t find it
as funny, and neither does he.
Use your words.: I
learned this from my wife. Apparently, this is something teachers use with
young kids. I had never heard it in the 35 years before I met her, but now I
use it several times a day.
My daughter has a tremendous vocabulary and is a verbal
butterfly, flitting from topic to topic with ease. Yet, at times, she thinks it
is ok to communicate with the world in guttural sounds. Usually this happens
when she is trying to fill quiet periods. She doesn’t like quiet. So, I spend a
lot of time telling her to use her words or not say anything at all. She
usually chooses to do neither.
Don’t put that in
your mouth!: I spend an inordinate amount of time trying to keep my kids
from choking to death. They have no qualms about putting anything into their
mouth. Caps. Rocks. Coins. Whole cupcakes. My wife once ate a dog turd –
mistaking it for a tootsie roll – when she was a kid, so they clearly take
after her.
You are fine.: My
kids are as graceful as a hippopotamus on ice. They fall and start crying as often as one of those Real
Housewives tries to attack a co-star. What is a daddy to do? I’m not raising
any wimps. “You are fine.”
It will work until a bone is broken.
That is NOT how we
act!: This almost exclusively applies to Sydney. With Tyson, I just say “no.”
He is not old enough to understand the whole idea behind good and bad behavior.
Sydney is. But understanding and obeying are two different things. No, it is
not appropriate to color in daddy’s books. Or on the walls. No, you can’t soak
the dog with that water gun. No, I would rather you didn’t scream and cry and
throw a kicking tantrum while we are shopping at Krogers. Or while we are
walking from the car to the house and our neighbors are all out in their yards
doing nice, civil family things.
Did you wipe?:
Self-explanatory.
Stay away from the
edge of the pool!: I know this is a first-world problem, but I swear kids
have no sense of how close death is. It is always right around the corner,
people! Neither of my kids can swim. That doesn’t keep them from dancing around
the edge like Rumer Willis.
They also will do this with two 100-pound dogs frolicking in
their direction, dogs whom I happen to know would have no issue knocking a
toddler into the water if said toddler were between them and 1) any morsel of
food, 2) a nice pat on the head from their owner, 3) any critter that dared
enter our back yard or 4) an ominous leaf floating in the pool that is no doubt
a threat to said 100-pound dogs.
Don’t interrupt when
I am talking to other adults.: Sydney commands attention 24-7. If you have
a friend over and feel like having a normal conversation – well, that is the
best time for her to start asking a million questions. “Dad, do snakes bite?”
“Dad, why does Siri talk funny when she answers our questions?” “Dad, what
Palace Pet would you want to be?”
She asks even if she knows the answers. “Dad, what color is
your black shirt?”
Don’t interrupt when
I am on the phone.: She desperately
wants you to understand that what she has to say is the most important thing in
the world. If this means singing a made-up, gibberish song at the top of her
voice while you are on the phone for work, well, so be it.
Don’t be so loud!:
Outside of “no,” by far the most used in our house. I’m a loud talker and so is
my wife, so this should not be a surprise. Sydney speaks at the same decibel
level as a 12-gauge shotgun blast. It is annoying in the house. It is worse in
public: “Dad, I need a wipe!”
That’s the current list. I am sure I will have to add a few
dozen to this list by the time they are teens. It won’t make me popular. But it
might just get them into adulthood.
