The Household of Sisterly Love

We have tried to get Sydney ready for Tyson's arrival. Do they have anger management classes for 2 year olds?

My sweet, pleasant little girl gets all the attention in our house. Having to share might put her on an anger bender similar to the late-night ravings of Amanda Bynes. Instead of Jenny McCarthey, it will be little Tyson taking the brunt of that anger.

I've told you before of her anger issues. And here. And probably a half dozen other posts. She is easily frustrated and quick to blow a fuse. Sound familiar? Yes, you got it….just like Brooke.

It is nothing for her to get mad at something -- say she wants to play with an object and I say no -- and grab it and squeeze it as hard as she can. She literally gets a look on her face like she is an Olympic weightlifter straining to set the deadlift record. I alternate between laughing and trying to explain how this is not acceptable behavior.

Just this week, she was enjoying the fan blowing air on her when she decided to touch it. I forcefully told her she was not to touch the fan. Her response was to grab the sides of the fan and squeeze it as hard as she could. Not sure what she felt like she was accomplishing, but she gritted her teeth, grimaced and blew off some steam.

Her middle name is intensity.

I don’t think she does this with other kids. I’m fairly certain her child care provider, the unflappable Miss Amber, would have 1) told us about it and 2) booted her from day care if she did it with any regularity. In fact, the only time I have seen her with other children for a great deal of time (outside of day care) she was downright passive when the others were aggressive towards her. (That led to her dad giving her boxing lessons.)

But she does it plenty with inanimate objects such as the fan, her food for some unknown reason – you should see her squeeze the hell out of a blueberry – and, occasionally, her dogs, if they knock her down or don’t get out of her way fast enough. Lucky for them, her squeezes are only strong enough to harm a, well, blueberry.

I’m fairly convinced she has a career in the roller derby awaiting her. I’m signing her up for karate classes as soon as she can walk for 15 minutes straight without falling.

So, I am worried about her demeanor when it comes to sharing her parents with another child. The other night, when Brooke and she visited with friends, some of whom had babies, she was NOT happy when Brooke took a little one into her arms. She immediately ran over, pulled at her mom and said “Help me!” which is her universal appeal for our attention.

J-E-A-L-O-U-S.

This is what little Tyson is facing. Hell hath no fury like a 20-month-old ignored.

We’ve tried to do what we did with the dogs when Sydney was coming. We have a baby doll we call Tyson and we ask her to hold it and feed it and even kiss it.

She throws it.

I have one book we bought about the arrival of a new baby and I read it to her, substituting Tyson for the name of the baby.

She pushes it away and grabs for the nearest Sesame Street book.

(By the way, did you know there is a character named Murray on Sesame Street? And Abby Gadabi (spelling?) I just learned about Elmo a couple of years ago and now I find out about these two and some orange female character with a name I do not know.  Progress, I guess. But the Street still looks exactly like it did on my grainy black and white when I was drinking from a sippy cup. Where’s the updated set?)

She’s not exactly warming to the Tyson factor. If anyone has any tips, I will take them.

We really won’t know until he gets here what her real reaction will be. She might suddenly develop a nurturing gene overnight.

I’m not counting on it. I remember the fights I used to have with my younger brother and sister. Until she was a teenager, I am pretty sure I had my sister convinced we found her in a garbage can and adopted her. As for my brother, I can remember my mom locking us in a room one day and telling us to SETTLE it. I am not sure what “it” was, but whatever it was, it cost my brother a bloody nose.

I’m fairly certain Brooke and her brother, Blair, had similar battles.

But of the few people on this earth I’d battle for, maybe even die for, my brother and sister are at the top of the list. We don’t always get along, but we are blood. That means everything.

If I can get that kind of commitment out of my two kids, I’ll put up with a few Olympic-like squeezes here and there.  

Forget Sesame Street; Give Me Shark Week

Sydney is going to be the most safety-conscious girl in the free world. I would say the “entire” world but those communist countries are so secretive and I have no doubt they indoctrinate their children with a “the-world-is-out-to-get-me” attitude.

I have become addicted to the ID Channel. This is a channel that runs true crime 24-7. It is like NBC’s Dateline or CBS’ 48 Hours on steroids. There are tales of wicked wives, heinous husbands, diabolical daughters and sinister sons. Rich people are killing each other behind mansion walls, cons are talking about how “they almost got away with it,” wives are wondering who the hell they married and very nice respectable people are going missing just about every day.

Watch this channel for one day and you will be convinced every other person you pass on the street is O.J. Simpson or Casey Anthony.

As soon as Sydney is old enough to understand, she and I are going to set up camp in front of the television – I know, a REAL CHALLENGE for me -- and learn about all the evil people in the world. Elmo and Grover can wait. This is important stuff.

No one will ever spike my girl’s drink, lure her into a car, slowly poison her with arsenic while convincing her it is the flu, or, god forbid, force her to a “second” location. Ladies, always take your chances at the abduction point!

Most of the people in these shows are killed by someone they trusted. And in the craziest ways. One son got bad grades and quit going to college. Rather than tell his family, he let them believe he was doing well and they even went to dinner to celebrate his graduation. Dessert was waiting at home. He had hired someone to lie in wait and kill his family while they walked in the door.

Another wife slowly poisoned her husband over many months, convincing him he had the flu. I think I saw a light bulb go off over Brooke’s head while we were watching that. If I start to get stomach pain any time soon, you can bet I’ll order a blood test pronto.

One lady’s married boyfriend – whom she’d leant $90,000 -- convinced her they were going on a getaway to remote Canada and she should not bring her phone (because it wouldn’t work) or pack any clothes because he would buy her all new ones when they go there. Furthermore, he told her not to tell anyone where they were going and she was to hide from sight in the back of his truck until they got out on the road. Of course, she was never seen again.

Psychopaths. Everywhere.

My motto has always been “Never trust anyone but your mother.” Sydney’s will be “Never trust anyone but your father.” I’m sure Brooke will be an awesome mother, but the smaller the circle of trust, the less chance for betrayal.

Little Carrie Jones from down the block wants you to come play? Well let’s punch little Carrie’s name  -- along with the names of her mom, dad and siblings -- into both Google and the County Clerk of Courts site to see if anything sinister comes up. You can never be too careful.

We won’t stop at the ID channel. Cheaters will be a regular on our DVR. I want my little girl to see every possible way her partner can cheat on her. He says he has to work late? Drop in at the office with a late-night snack. Always on the phone? Grab his phone when he is away and call every single person in his “recent calls” list to check their voice. He’s probably not above putting his latest girlfriend under the name “Frank.”

And don’t forget e-mail surveillance.

I may be the only person on earth who DVRs Cheaters, but I consider it a way of staying “real.” It keeps me in touch with my suspicious side. Nobody’s pulling anything over on me.

My wife hates this. Hmmm, I wonder why?

She also hates that I insist on locking the door as soon as I walk in, or locking the car door even if I am going to be gone for just 16 seconds. She really hates that I want the shades drawn at all times. Listen, I used to be reporter on the police beat. I can’t tell you how many times I read a police report that someone’s stereo or television or Sham Wow was “in plain sight, so the perpetrator broke in through the window and absconded with it.”

Sydney is going to get a good dose of real life in her formative years and she will be totally prepared for the evil that comes her way. She’ll never leave her drink unattended, always keep the shades drawn and run background checks on all her dates.  She’ll be the person everyone turns to for advice during a mass shooting or hostage situation.

But will it be enough? Can I cover all the bases? As I write this, a commercial for Shark Week just came on the TV. I think we’ll have to add that to our DVR list. She needs to know the bloody, gory consequence of swimming in the ocean too close to dawn or dusk.