Q-Tips Aren't Just for Ears Anymore

The Prince and Princess of Poop are going to put me in the poor house.

Two kids in diapers = small fortune for mommy and daddy. Is it wrong to look at every poop as literally flushing money down the toilet?

Yeah, more poop stories from me. I have a history. See this. And this. And this. And this. But, of course, this is the best one.

Part of this is my problem. I swore I’d have Sydney potty trained by age 2. Then, we would only have one kid in diapers.

But then Tyson was born and we were dealing with his heart issues and surgery and I didn’t have the focus or the energy. Now, I just lack the energy.

She is going on 29 months. It is time. We talk about it constantly. We read books about it. We do trial runs to the toilet. But she simply doesn’t want to cross over into Potty Land.

And between the energy required to just keep our heads above water with our full-time jobs as parents and our just full-time jobs, we aren’t up for the fight.

Pathetic. I know.

So I stand by and watch the Princess put me in the poor house with her many daily poops.

At least the boy is a little less prolific in this area.

Actually, Tyson has a constipation problem.

It is little wonder he has this problem, with all the fortification we do of his breast milk. In order to catch the little guy up on calories, he’s been on supplements since birth. We put so much powder in there, he probably feels like he is drinking sand.

We try to account for this by feeding him prune juice and adding oil to the solid cereal he eats. But it isn’t enough and about every three days or so, he gets cranky as hell because of constipation.

The question is, what to do? We didn’t experience a lot of this with Sydney. Remember, she suffered from Explosive Ass Disorder and was prone to explosions anywhere, anytime. Tyson has the opposite problem and is often as backed up as a Manhattan street during rush hour.

Well, my wife got a pretty good tip. Put a little Vaseline on a Q-tip and insert it into the rectum.

Yes, you heard that right.

This is one of those jobs, much like the NoseFrida, that is best reserved for mom. Dad always seems busy when it is time for this task.

So far, it has worked pretty well. The insertion is usually followed, within a half hour or so, by the production of a few logs that could provide the foundation to Lincoln’s cabin.

This kid is pooping out logs as big around as my fatty fingers. That is quite an ordeal for a 8 month old. I’m fearing an anal fissure in his future.

Then, within a few more hours, all that stuff that was backed up inside comes pouring out in one Explosive Ass Disorder eruption. After that, the boy is all smiles.

For those of you experiencing these types of problems with your kids, I highly recommend this tactic. I am not sure if doctors approve – I know they don’t like you sticking Q-tips in your ears, but I am not sure how they feel about your rectum – but sometimes you have to go against the advice of the experts and go with your gut.

No matter how full of poop it may be.