Q-Tips Aren't Just for Ears Anymore

The Prince and Princess of Poop are going to put me in the poor house.

Two kids in diapers = small fortune for mommy and daddy. Is it wrong to look at every poop as literally flushing money down the toilet?

Yeah, more poop stories from me. I have a history. See this. And this. And this. And this. But, of course, this is the best one.

Part of this is my problem. I swore I’d have Sydney potty trained by age 2. Then, we would only have one kid in diapers.

But then Tyson was born and we were dealing with his heart issues and surgery and I didn’t have the focus or the energy. Now, I just lack the energy.

She is going on 29 months. It is time. We talk about it constantly. We read books about it. We do trial runs to the toilet. But she simply doesn’t want to cross over into Potty Land.

And between the energy required to just keep our heads above water with our full-time jobs as parents and our just full-time jobs, we aren’t up for the fight.

Pathetic. I know.

So I stand by and watch the Princess put me in the poor house with her many daily poops.

At least the boy is a little less prolific in this area.

Actually, Tyson has a constipation problem.

It is little wonder he has this problem, with all the fortification we do of his breast milk. In order to catch the little guy up on calories, he’s been on supplements since birth. We put so much powder in there, he probably feels like he is drinking sand.

We try to account for this by feeding him prune juice and adding oil to the solid cereal he eats. But it isn’t enough and about every three days or so, he gets cranky as hell because of constipation.

The question is, what to do? We didn’t experience a lot of this with Sydney. Remember, she suffered from Explosive Ass Disorder and was prone to explosions anywhere, anytime. Tyson has the opposite problem and is often as backed up as a Manhattan street during rush hour.

Well, my wife got a pretty good tip. Put a little Vaseline on a Q-tip and insert it into the rectum.

Yes, you heard that right.

This is one of those jobs, much like the NoseFrida, that is best reserved for mom. Dad always seems busy when it is time for this task.

So far, it has worked pretty well. The insertion is usually followed, within a half hour or so, by the production of a few logs that could provide the foundation to Lincoln’s cabin.

This kid is pooping out logs as big around as my fatty fingers. That is quite an ordeal for a 8 month old. I’m fearing an anal fissure in his future.

Then, within a few more hours, all that stuff that was backed up inside comes pouring out in one Explosive Ass Disorder eruption. After that, the boy is all smiles.

For those of you experiencing these types of problems with your kids, I highly recommend this tactic. I am not sure if doctors approve – I know they don’t like you sticking Q-tips in your ears, but I am not sure how they feel about your rectum – but sometimes you have to go against the advice of the experts and go with your gut.

No matter how full of poop it may be.  

Sweden's Little Miracle

 

 

 

I went where no man should.

I entered a discussion on snot.

Why would I enter such mucousy waters?

Because I am passionate about the NoseFrida.

This small, simple, Swedish tool is a must have for any parent. It is the nemesis of snout snot.

So, when a pregnant Facebook friend – congrats Nicole! – posted a picture of a NoseFrida she received as a gift and asked if anyone actually used them, I waded into the mucousy waters with much trepidation and spoke up.

“You will discover it is one of the best gifts you've received.”

I’m not really a guy who is comfortable giving parenting advice to anyone. Despite two children under the age of 2, my parenting knowledge could fit into a six-ounce baby bottle. Thank God for my wife.

But on this topic, I couldn’t resist. I had to have my say.  

“It is the absolute best way to clear congestion.”

Needless to say, not everyone agreed with me. Among the jokes and expected responses of “Gross!” were comments such as this:

“So this mom of four....nope, never, wouldn't try it. I'm sure it's great for some...but not me!”

Many claimed that the blue bulbs you get at the hospital are the best way to win the booger battle.

I beg to differ.  

Ever since my wife saw Nancy O’Dell interview Christina Applegate – yeah, Kelly Bundy of Married with Children – the NoseFrida has been a positive part of our life.

Nancy: What is the best piece of parenting advice that anybody has given you?
Christina: There's so much [baby gear] to get! I think... to buy a NoseFrida!

Nancy: What is that?
Christina: The thing that you use to suck the stuff out of their nose. It's called a NoseFrida. It's got a long [tube] and you do it with your mouth.

Nancy: You do it with your mouth?! [laughs] I just used the hand-squeeze nose suctioner.
Christina: Well, there's a stopper. It doesn't go in your mouth. But it's so much more effective. I mean I always had that thing [squeeze suctioner] in there trying to get it out, and it never worked. But this one is magic!

Sydney had a lot of colds when she was younger. She was always congested. We, too, used the blue ball. Until my wife saw the interview with Kelly Bundy.

I must admit, I was grossed out and afraid. But it was worth a try.

The NoseFrida is a long suctioning tube with a disposable filter. You place the tube against the child’s nostril and create a seal. Then you use the mouthpiece to suck out the snot!!!

Yeah, it sounds gross. But the snot never gets to your lips. It is blocked by the filter.

This nifty little invention was created by a Swedish doctor and is 100 percent hygienic. It is worlds better than the blue bulb. The kids don’t like it for the few seconds you suck – they don’t like the blue bulbs, either – but once you are out of their nostrils, they have immediate relief.

Why is it better? Well, here’s what it says on the NoseFrida site:

“NoseFrida is non-invasive – instead of going inside the nose like the bulb, it forms a seal with the outside of the baby’s nostril (creating a vacuum). Parent-powered (mouth) suction is much stronger and more effective than the static suction of the bulb or battery-powered aspirators. NoseFrida is also easy to clean.”

My friend Nicole wondered if she could suck too hard and hurt her baby. According to the web site: “No. NoseFrida is safe to use on newborns and preemies. There is no risk of sucking too hard.”

Sydney and Tyson might not like the few seconds of intense sucking, but it provides immediate relief. You can see and hear their breathing become easier.

Here’s what I know:

·       Rarely do I publicly tout any product. I just don’t like putting my reputation on the line like that.

·       I’m totally intimidated by the thought of offering parenting advice in any forum that would include mothers who know eons more than me.

Yet, I went to bat for the NoseFrida. Draw your own conclusion.

But this isn’t like Hair Club for men. I’m not also a client. I’ve yet to ask Brooke to pony up to the NoseFrida and give it a whirl on my stuffy nose.

There are just some places even a husband and wife cannot go. Do a little dance, suck a little NoseFrida, get down tonight…

I also couldn’t legally go on TV and proclaim to be a regular user of the NoseFrida.

Why? My wife handles the snot sucking in our family.

That stuff’s just too gross for me.