How to Start a Hell of a Fight with Your Wife

“Feeling the baby kick” is a rite of pregnancy. Every dad has the pleasure of experiencing this first connection with his baby.

The “feel- my-belly” thing has been a source of tension between Brooke and I.

This started at about four months. “Oh, I can feel her kicking! Give me your hand.” Of course, I’d give her my hand. Of course, I would feel nothing. “Oh, just hold it here for a few more minutes,” she’d say. Nothing.

I’d eventually pull my hand away because I had to do important things like plan my fantasy football league roster. This would inevitably be followed by a “You don’t care about the baby!” from my wife.

Look, what might seem like Pele running around scoring goals in your stomach might be undetectable to us men. It is frustrating for me to hold my hand there for an hour and a half and not feel anything.

I have the same problem with those little ultrasound images. My wife will point out the nose, eyes, curve of her elbow….all I see is a Rorschach blot that looks like a pepperoni pizza.

So after several times of going through this feel-my-belly game and never feeling anything, I decided to play a joke on her. We were riding in the car, and I said. “Do you hear that?” Of course there was nothing to hear. Nevertheless, I turned down the radio. “Brooke, it is real faint. Listen close.” Nothing, she said.

I repeated this same routine about every two minutes until Brooke finally threw her hands up and said, in frustration, “I can’t hear anything!!!!”

“Well,” I said calmly, “that frustration is what I feel when you tell me to put my hand on your belly and I can’t feel anything.”

I thought this was an ingenious way to prove my point. In reality, it was a sure-fire way to start what became a tremendous fight. Oh, and did I mention I did this on my way to dinner to celebrate our first anniversary?

I make mistakes. I am not infallible.

Do NOT mess with a pregnant woman. There's a lot of hormonal stuff going on there. I felt like Wile E. Coyote after a couple run-ins with the Road Runner. Do you remember Rocky after he had that first bout with Mr. T? He looked like a jigsaw puzzle with a couple of pieces gone?

My point here is that you mothers need to wait until later in the pregnancy to start that feel-my-belly stuff. I think I first felt the kicks at about 7 ½ months. Now I can even see them. It is a fun and special thing to witness – at the right time.

Otherwise, we dads can just fake it. “Oh god, honey, I can really feel it! That feels so awesome! It was really intense that time!”

Sound familiar, ladies?