Pee Breaks Every Half Hour

Consider this a possible Last Will and Testament.

Tomorrow, I am taking an 8-hour trip with my pregnant wife.

Brooke is in a beach wedding on the shores of Lake Michigan in northern Michigan. A ritzy little town called Bay Harbor. Madonna has a home there.

Brooke committed to being a bridesmaid before she got pregnant. Morgan is a recent friend, but Brooke likes her a lot. So, despite being 8 months along, she really wants to go. As do I – northern Michigan in the summer on the beach is one of the most beautiful places in this country. But we are worried about any complications occurring, such as, I don’t know, maybe the baby coming early.

The doctors have begrudgingly said it is ok. They’d like us to stay here, but feel the trip is doable.

Brooke has mapped out every hospital along the way. I’m a little more nonchalant about it. As I have said before, I think I can probably deliver this baby on my own in the back seat of my Honda Pilot, so I am not so worried. But even if the amniotic fluid hits the fan, Ms. Nasty told us the average time between serious contractions and delivery is 18 to 20 hours. I could get her back here, take an eight-hour nap, grab some McDonald’s and still be in the delivery room to greet Sydney as she plops into the doctor’s hands.

My worries are more practical. My wife has gestational diabetes. What if she forgets her medicine? Or we have no way of refrigerating the insulin? What if she faints into the sand because her blood sugar is too low? She’s carrying a medicine ball of a belly….what if she can’t stand up for the ceremony? What do I wear to a beach wedding? What if the reception doesn’t have free alcohol?

Of course, my main concern is the 8 hours in the car each way. Pregnant women -- for good reason – are not the most pleasant people in the world. They can’t sit comfortably, they have hormones raging through their body, they can’t sleep at night and, in my wife’s case, they can’t eat anything. Now, throw in a 16-hour road trip that will require a bathroom break every half hour and you are sitting on a powder keg. Water breaking? Hell, I am more worried about my facial bones breaking from my wife’s right hook.

I’ve told you before, my wife is a saint. But I am not sure I can survive this. Lucky for me, I am a quiet, easy-going guy who goes with the flow and does everything he can to make his wife comfortable. If I was one of those Type A-husbands full of sarcasm who either gets easily frustrated or likes to make a joke out of everything, I might be in trouble.

Pray for me.