Losing the Battle, but Winning the War?

                                                             Comfortable Sydney


Well, it’s official. My daughter prefers my wife over me.

Sometimes it is subtle. She’ll sit and play with daddy, but she’s always stealing sideways glances at mommy to make sure she is still there. Other times, it is more obvious. The second mommy places her in daddy’s arms, the lower lip protrudes and the crocodile tears start flowing.

Ouch.

I guess I am just not the nurturing type. Who would have thought it?

As heartbreaking as it is to me to lose this contest with my wife, I am not the kind of guy to hold a grudge or seek revenge. I won’t punish my wife or my daughter for my failures. I am the kind of guy who rolls with the baby punches.

So, I penned the following email to my wife this week. I will let you know how it goes.

Honey,

It has become clear to me our daughter prefers your company over mine. This is heartbreaking to me, but I must accept the truth. You are number one in the race for her heart. I am chopped liver; you are scrumptious baby formula.

For the sake of our daughter’s future, we have to make her as comfortable as possible as often as possible. It will impede her development to force her to spend time at her most uncomfortable moments with anyone other than the person who absolutely soothes her best.

We must always make her feel as safe and secure as possible. As you know, I often worry about screwing up and raising a serial killer or a strung-out drug addict. I refuse to let this happen because of my selfishness. I will not force her to be with me at her most vulnerable times, the times when she really needs the person whom she prefers to comfort her.

Therefore, I propose we split the baby-rearing duties along the lines of “Duties Where Sydney is Uncomfortable” – those would be yours – and “Duties Where Sydney is Comfortable” – I will humbly accept these less-important tasks.

Clearly, Sydney is most uncomfortable when she has gone to the bathroom and needs her diaper changed. How embarrassing and shameful for her when daddy must answer this call. She is completely vulnerable at this time and absolutely must have the person with whom she feels most comfortable come to her aid. As much as it hurts, I cede this duty to you.

She’s also very uncomfortable during those 2 a.m. wake ups where she needs a bottle and a hug. Think about how scary it must be to wake up in the middle of the night to total darkness, the only sound being her mama snoring in the nearby room. I picture her little mind thinking, “Where is my mama? Where is the one person in the world I am most comfortable with?” I know I have come to adore these early-morning moments with her, but, for her sake, I will allow you to be in charge at these times. I promise to not get in the way and will force myself to sleep through them.

Her recent bout of double ear infection made me realize how uncomfortable sickness can be for a baby. She cried long and loud. My eardrums hurt more than her’s. I clearly did a horrible job soothing her. It is times like this when a young lass needs her mama. Again, as much as it pains me, I will stay out of your way. Maybe I will spend these nights in the spare bedroom with earplugs so as not to intrude on your mother-daughter time.

I only ask that you are as accommodating when it comes to my time with her.  She clearly has a great deal of comfort when she is playing, whether it be in her Jumperoo or with one of her many toys. Because this is a “safe” time for her, I will take on these duties. This is a time when she will be more likely to accept someone she is less comfortable with.

She also seems pretty comfortable when she is watching TV. She loves those colorful cartoons. I’ll take this duty. This requires someone who can sit with her for long periods of time and remain quiet, so as not to bother her. It won’t be easy, but I think I am the man for the job.

Nap time is also a very secure time for her. She even smiles sometimes when she sleeps. Clearly, she is happy and clearly this is a time when she would accept being watched over by #2 instead of #1. You can count on me.

I can see this method of operation working long into the future. You can take on the duties where she’ll most need you, such as potty training, menstruation and learning to drive. I will take on the less important tasks of reading bedtime stories, teaching how to hit the softball and chastity during the dating years.

But let’s not get ahead of ourselves. For now, let’s see how we adjust to the here and now. As I thought about how we might split these duties up, I realized that not all of the parenting duties can be listed. There are many moments not easily captured in a paragraph.

So I think we need a fallback. It is obvious to me that anytime Sydney is crying, she is uncomfortable and needs the loving arms of her mother. I propose that in those instances, I step aside. You feel free to do the same anytime she is giggling and smiling, as this is obviously a very comfortable time for her.

I hate losing, but I am not the kind of guy who doesn’t shake hands after a defeat. You seem to have won her heart. Let’s roll with it and make sure she develops in the most positive way possible. I think this is the blueprint for success when it comes to raising a healthy, happy daughter.

Love you!